If I Stay
by BoandNora-ItsOneWord
Summary: Nora loves her husband but she can't live with a man who refuses to forgive her; Bo loves his wife but he can't get past her turning in evidence against his son. Is there any hope left for a once unbreakable couple?
1. Chapter One: Gone

**Chapter One: Gone**

She twisted the gold band on her left hand as she looked at the phone, lost in her own daydreams. She knew he wouldn't call, but part of her couldn't help wishing that he would. She could feel fresh tears slide down her cheek and she slapped them away almost violently in an effort to forget the harsh reality. She could still see the picture hanging on the wall as she walked by it for the last time. How long had it been since that picture was taken? It seemed like a lifetime ago. Once upon a time, she had been his whole world; now she wondered if she was even the slightest drop in his ocean.

It had only been three hours since she had packed up all her things and left the house; leaving the note behind in the only place, she knew he would find it. She wondered if he would even notice that she was gone, and more importantly she wondered if he would care. That was the hardest truth of all. She would have stayed and fought beside him until they brought the entire world to their knees –but she would never stay in a place where she wasn't a vital part of his existence.

 _When had she stopped being the air he needed to breathe? He never stopped being it for her. She felt like she was suffocating._

* * *

He could feel the wind battering against his rib cage as he struggled to find the key hole in the darkness. There was a quick flash of light coming from somewhere in the distance and he was suddenly feeling the bitter chill course through his veins. Something was off. Even the house felt different when he finally stepped inside and closed the door.

He could see the shadows on the wall as he stumbled in the darkness, struggling to find the light in absolute blackness. He could almost hear his own heart thumping in his chest as he adjusted to the sound of silence. Why did the house seem so big now?

He dropped the keys on the table and looked into the refrigerator, where Nora had usually left some sandwiches when he couldn't make it home for dinner. There weren't any plates of food this time.

" _Just as well_ ," he thought as he turned out the light and headed for the stairs. He knew she was probably sleeping and he was just tired enough to skip the meal altogether. If he was lucky, maybe he could even slip into a shower without having to fight with her again.  
 _  
The room was empty_ —the bed made just as neatly as if no one had been there at all. Her pillow didn't smell like her anymore; there wasn't a trace of her perfume. That was when he saw the tiny white envelope sitting against his pillow. He slumped down onto the edge of the bed and traced the outline of her handwriting before opening the letter. He had a pretty good idea what was in the letter. He could feel it right down to his bones.  
 _  
Dearest Bo,_

I'm sorry I was too much of a coward to say this to your face but it hurts me too much to look at you right now and know that you still won't choose me. I respect your decision to support your son and I honestly hope for your sake that he really is innocent. I just wish that you had trusted me enough to consider my feelings when you were confessing to murder. I wish I meant enough to you to want to work this out. But that's just it Bo…This has been going on for weeks and you still won't talk to me…Most of the time I feel like a stranger in my own home and I'm not even sure if you love me anymore. How can I stay with a man if I have to question something I once knew without a single doubt? I love you more than you will ever know—but you don't need me anymore. Most days I feel just like that picture on the wall—you don't even know that I'm there. Maybe we just need some space. I hope with all my heart that this isn't truly the end for us because honestly you have been the greatest love I have ever known. I just have to put myself first for a change. I hope one day you'll miss me as much as I already miss you.

Loving You,  
Nora

He dropped the letter as he stared at the empty bed. For a moment, he just sat there in shock. _She was gone; she was really gone._

As much as they fought in the last few weeks, he didn't really expect that one day he would come home to find her gone. He never even gave the thought any merit. She had always just been there. Maybe that was unfair…he knew if he was honest with himself, he could admit at least that much…

But there was also that voice in his head…the voice that gave his own wounded heart some credibility in the darkest hour…the voice that told him it was for the best.


	2. Chapter Two: Distance

**Chapter Two: Distance**

She splashed cold water over her face as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. " _Now that's attractive,_ " she quipped, as she examined the remainder of the smeared mascara on the left side of her face. _Why hadn't she washed it off before she cried herself to sleep last night? She looked like a zombie now.  
_  
She took a warm cloth and washed away the rest of her makeup. She could still feel the weight of her broken heart, visible to the world in her vacant expression and swollen eyes. She wanted to hide from the world but she knew it wasn't realistic…she didn't have the luxury to not be okay. She had a job to do. People who counted on her.

She disrobed and stepped into the warm steam of a hot shower. _Maybe she could forget those painful images of the way he used to look when he was standing right behind her._ Not likely, she thought, as she closed her eyes and tried not to remember his soulful blue eyes.

 _His lips were on her neck as he slid his fingers through her wet hair under the faucet. "You taste good," he murmured as she let out the breath she didn't know she was holding._

 _"How good," she teased, alternating her position until she was facing him…sliding her arms around his neck and letting her lips entice him to come closer. He smelled so good. Tasted even better._

 _"Indescribable," he said, their passion building as he devoured her lips with his own. "I'll have to show you."_

 _"You do that," she joked, as they backed up against the wall, her legs twisting around him as they rode a wave of pleasure under the hot water._

She willed the memory away, as she let the water massage her muscles, his last words now ringing in her head like a broken record…Her mind shifted between memories of a time when they couldn't get enough of each other and those moments just before she left when he was so distant and hurtful. It was exhausting trying to keep up with his mood swings.

As much as she tried to hold it in, the tortured chaos in her brain and the sorrow in her heart opened up like a floodgate as she released the muffled scream, somewhere between a hollow cry and a piercing shriek. The tears cascaded down her cheeks without the slightest hint that they would stop, and she hit her knees, the aching sobs now battering against her chest as she curled up in a ball on the bottom of the shower.  
 _  
She would be okay someday…just maybe not today._

* * *

Bo threw the file he had been looking at down on the desk and took a deep breath. He had been here all night since Nora left. Though he tried to sleep alone in their bed, he found himself waking often and reaching for her in the night only to find her gone. He finally gave up and headed to the office, coffee his only fuel.

" _What do I have to do to get some competent help in here,_ " Bo snapped. Hank was walking in the squad room with some coffee when he turned to one of the officers.

"He's been like that all morning," he said simply.

"I'll talk to him," Hank said. "You just get back to whatever you were doing. I'm sure he's just having a bad day."

They had all been privy to Bo's bad days. It was usually related to one thing in particular- or rather _someone_ —his wife. Hank knew better than anyone what Nora's wrath felt like…he had once been married to her too.

He shut the door to Bo's office and set his coffee down on the desk. "Do you really think this is helping Bo? You have already taken everyone's head off and it doesn't look like you are any further along in this case then you already were yesterday…what gives? "

"I don't have time for this Hank. "

"Well _make_ time. You cannot keep going on like this…you're going to burn out. "

"I'll be fine," he lied.

"Sure you will. That's why you have bags under your eyes and liquor on your breath. Tell me something Bo…Is fighting with Nora really worth all this?"

"I can't fight with her when she's not living in the house can I? Excuse me…I'm going to go check on my son."

Leave it to Bo to avoid any real discussion on how he was feeling…it was probably why Nora had left in the first place. If he knew anything at all about his ex-wife, it was that she needed to feel like she mattered to the man in her life. If she didn't feel wanted or needed, she would be gone… And once she was gone, it would take some major groveling for her to come back.

"You stupid, stupid fool, Hank muttered under his breath as he picked up the phone to call Nora. _Someone_ needed to make sure she was taking care of herself.


	3. Chapter Three: Jealousy

**Chapter Three: Jealousy**

Her mind was a pandemonium of her ex-husbands words ringing in her head when she stepped out into the parking lot of the police station. A part of her was still questioning her decision to meet him _here_ , of all places; another part of her was hoping that her husband would pay attention.

She knew that on some level, she wasn't ready for this at all, but she forced a smile as she pulled open the familiar door. He still appeared to be in a foul mood and she felt a sudden urge to _escape._ She _wouldn't_ let him blame her for this too. She would be stronger than that.

 _"Nora,_ " he said, when their eyes met. _It was so damn professional that it made her heart sink._

 _"Bo,"_ she returned, trying her best to remain as nonchalant as he was.

 _That was it; neither of them said another word to each other._ She opened her mouth to say something but she suddenly felt like she couldn't even breathe. Every wall around her seemed to be closing in on her and pulling her into a tiny little ball...draining her of oxygen.

 _"Nora, are you okay?"_ she heard Hank ask her but she couldn't find her voice. She could barely even see the ground beneath her feet. He was at her side in minutes, noticing her pale, white skin, as she took one rapid breath after another.

 _"Breathe sweetheart,_ "he was encouraging her but she felt like she was suffocating. She kept gasping for air, so he helped her into the bathroom and proceeded to wipe her down with a cool wet towel—and then she threw up. He wanted to take her to the hospital but she insisted she was fine.

"Hank, I appreciate your concern but really; I'm okay. I'm just having a hard time right now."

"I know you are baby but you have to take care of yourself. You don't want me to have to call Rachel do you?"

"That's dirty pool Gannon."

"Whatever Works."

"Can we just get out of here? It was a mistake coming here. I'm obviously not ready to see him."

"I'm sorry for asking you to."

"It's not your fault; I thought I was ready."

She didn't say another word as they walked out into the squad room. Bo was trying to look busy but not doing a very good job of it, so Hank told him they were leaving.

"You two going on a _date_ ," he questioned. That only earned him an angry slap across his face by his wife.

" _You know what? You can be such an ass sometimes. You_ are my _husband_. That might not mean anything to _you_ but it sure as hell does to _me._ I'll meet you in the car Hank?"

After Nora walked away, Hank turned to Bo.

"I don't know what the hell is going on with you right now but if you _don't_ get your head out of your _ass_ then you are going to lose her for good; is that _really_ what you want?"

He put his hands up to stop him from making another remark and continued. "Bo, I am _not_ taking her on a _date_ ; I'm taking her to lunch. I'm her _friend_ , just as I am yours...But since _you_ are too stubborn to be there for her than _I_ will be."

He turned to walk out the door when he suddenly thought better of it and turned around. "You know Bo; you _don't_ look good in green. You might want to rein it in."

"I am _not_ jealous," he insisted.

"Could have fooled me."

When Hank was finally out the door, Bo turned back to the remaining officers. _"Show's over; get back to work,"_ he snapped.


End file.
